Linda Staunton is a super mum, she has become so good at raising kids that she hasn't stopped having them. By the time she had reached menopausal age she had already had ten children. She is now 67 and although her birthing rate has slowed a little (she's only squeezed out six more) doctors are baffled by her seeming triumph over biology. Undertandably she has had a lot of media attention. She has had numerous endorsement offers from SMA, made multiple appearances on shows such as loose women, is friends with Divina McCall and strangest of all has been asked by no less than four African dictators to bare their next child. Despite politely declining all offers, the dictators were not best pleased; various diplomats are trying to sort the situation out and she is currently remaining hidden by the U.N. Her eldest has been running a successful film production company for the past decade now, it's success lying in a seemingly infinite supply of hardworking and more importantly like-minded labour. Interestingly against the odds none of her children have turned out to be homosexual and so various far right Americans who think gayness can be "unlearnt" have joined together to finance a documentary on how to conceive and raise hetrosexual children. This documentary has now become a bit of a farce as it goes into very intimate detail and is more "disgusting" than actual homosexuality to pretty much everyone other than the people who are making it. It's going to be cancelled after just one season on FOX.
Gary and Graham Cranley
Gary and Graham Cranley are a pair of 35 year old bi-polar twins who have been working side by side at the west ham turnstiles since they were sixteen. Their careers advisor came up with the idea by combing their passion (going to football games) with the ideal working environment; a tight enclosed space where they they couldn't punch their colleagues or each other. They still argue incessantly though. What makes it worse is that their mood "poles" are synchronized to be perfectly opposite to each other i.e when one is up the other is down. Their therapists think that this is an adaptation to to ensure they really piss each other off. Both of them are pretty greedy and they frequently orchestrate strikes on behalf of all Upton Park stadium workers. Despite them being the majority of the men striking, in recent years they have caused a lot of kerfuffle for West Ham and are thus on 80 grand a year. Despite being surrounded by them, they still don't know a brick wall when they see one... they still think they should be paid the same as the players. West Ham don't seem to mind as the Chairman and the board of directors are quite sure that through their fanbase, the Cranley brothers generate a lot more money for the club than they take away in their pay packets. For the first time ever Japan's preferred foreign football shirt is not a Manchester United one, It's West Ham. The Inter City Firm however is not best pleased and numbers are dwindling, firstly because of such an influx of foreigners and secondly because there is now a raging debate over who's harder the Cranleys, or the Firm.
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