Lance Rice
Lance rice is a seventeen year old Neo Nazi. He is one of three children. He recently did community service for letting off a stink bomb in a synagogue. Oddly enough he was in fact charged for trespassing rather than setting off the stink bomb as he had gatecrashed someone's bar mitzvah. If he had only decided to come to the regular saturday service then he would've simply been let off with a cross word from the Rabbi. His eyebrows are very bushy as when he was younger he wanted to show his neo-nazi siblings how cool and committed he was by frequently shaving off his eyebrows. His brothers egged him on untill their long suffering mother got worried after Lance asked her where she got her laser hair removal done. He is the middle child and least successful academically, his only GCSE A grade was in religious studies. He is aggressively catholic, so much so that he is adamant that when he and his friends go out for a beer, they bless it and that it literally becomes the urine of christ. He pretends to know a lot about the northern Ireland crisis but has in the past got the IRA and IPA beer confused. He reads a lot of Beatrix Potter and identifies most with Tom Kitten's character. He has a Japanese pen pall whom he plans on loosing his virginity to. His (few) mates and brothers tease him about "waiting" for the right girl and Lance keeps on kidding himself that it's not that nobody wants to shag him but that he's waiting for "a clean, pure and strong cervix that is ready to accept his seed". His Japanese pen pall is only talking to him because she wants his entire collection of Beatrix Potter books. Seeing as nobody wants to sleep with him without a condom on (he does look quite dirty) getting action doesn't look likely. He writes poetry which he gets "published" through him paying for space in loot. By advertising items nobody wants to buy (namely swastika tie clips and Dr Martin Boots with flashing lights in the heels).
Miles Owego
Miles graduated from Durham four years ago and has just had his first child with his Danish wife. He is a city Lawyer and he doean't really know why. He would like to blame it on his archetypally pushy Nigerian mother but growing up his mother was rarely around to push him and so he had a reasonably relaxed upbringing. He still managed to work like a paranoid monk through his entire education. His wife knows that deep down inside he doesn't even like working and knows that the only time she has seen him totally at peace is when he is watering her flowers. She has suggested cultivating his own area of the garden to him but every time she does this he gives her the same rhetoric, that a garden is for a woman to decorate and for a man to read The Economist in. This really does piss her off, especially seeing as he's started reading the economist to their eight-week year old son, Elijah. Miles' father was in fact a bit of a hippy and would play the guitar, and his trumpet and read lots of books to Miles, namely Beatrix Potter. Miles half pretends this didn't really happen to him as a child. This only goes to anger his wife further when he insists on reading heavyweight political commentary and current affairs to their child over normal children's books. Miles has a secret, he once bought a lottery ticket! As an avid Thatcherite not to mention a rational human being he believes that earning money is one of the most beautiful acts a human being can perform. Even still, and this is something he has now blocked from his memory, he did in fact enjoy the thrill of partaking in the lottery. He is a massive hypochondriac, not helped by his best friend, Vikram from Durham who is a Doctor and in effect suggests new diseases for Miles each week just by Miles complaining over nothing and Vikram feeling obliged to find an explanation for his friend's problems. Miles has a full medical twice a year and this is the only instance of him being selfish and not putting his family first.
No comments:
Post a Comment