Diane Gratis has just left her job as a city Lawyer to solve the Israel/Palestine crisis by setting up a chain of artisan bakeries. Going by what they have done to the then "ghastly, end of Ladbroke Grove" she has utter faith that yummy bread and cakes will gentrify the west bank. Since all they seem to have are bagels and baclava it's no wonder that they're killing each other. In fact the last time she had one of those arabic sticky pastries she got such a sugar high she stayed up all night watching her taped episodes of "The Apprentice" and thus feels slightly nausious whenever the word "sugar" or even the name "Alan" is mentioned. She actually has family in Palestine but she hates them because they don't send her christmas cards. Instead of staying with family she will be residing in the annex of the flat that belongs to her children's Palestinian au-pair. She thought about renting it and then realized that it was in fact her money that paid for her au-pair's extension in the first place and has thus baked a special cake for her au-pair's au-pair (who lives in the annex) with the words "sorry about booting you out". Although Israeli soldiers weren't nearly as polite when they booted out the au-pair's au-pair from her previous home (they certainly didn't bake a cake) Diane's husband has been unsuccessfully trying to persuade Diane against this idea and has offered to put Diane up in a Best Western hotel in Tel Aviv. Diane doesn't know what's wrong with him.
Billy Van-Bridges is annoyingly sociable. He works in a call center and has the best job in the world. His colleagues can't stand him, however it is mostly due to their jealousy towards how happy he can be doing a job they hate. He is the only white british person in the call centre and thus feels it his his duty to help his colleagues by teaching them English in their lunch breaks in order to make their over the phone relations more meaningful. Other than that, when his colleagues are down he reads them poetry and plays his ukulele to them, a technique he often uses when dealing with hostile customers or when they need to hold. A channel four Documentary has been made on him entitled "The Call Man Can" and has subsequently been offered multiple reality T.V gigs, and a spot at the Royal Variety Performance but he has turned them all down so he can concentrate on his work. He collects flared trousers. This started when he realized that he made better cups of tea and coffee when he had Disco music playing on his walkman and thus felt that if he had the trousers to go with it, his brews would reach a new level. This idea was strengthened when he once made some coffee for a lactose intolerant friend of his. He unwittingly forgot to use Soya milk as requested and his friend was magically unharmed. Billy is engaged to an old lady who lives in Surrey whom he met over the phone. She was calling to complain about being overcharged for Broadband but within two minutes Billy had solved her problems and cheered her up and they had both realized that they had a lot in common; a love of bakewell tarts, Englebert Humpadink and scratchcards. Although he does know her real name he prefers to continue calling her "Madam". Billy and Madam have never met in person.
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