Debbie Sanders has just scored herself a lucrative deal as the new voice of the drive safety awareness adverts on t.v. The adverts are played out by badly animated rip offs of "The Simpsons" characters. After being overheard giving a deep groaning noise by a sound recordist for t.v whilst in the que to top up her oyster card she was given a job as the voice actor for Marge. She is however paranoid about her job security. The sound booth she records in each week is only someone's egg box covered basement in Lewisham and she hasn't been asked back to work for a while since somebody in the studio mentioned that her Marge groan (all she's good for) could be stored in the sound library. Her friends tell her that there's no reason to be paranoid because there are only so many Simpsons speed awareness course adverts one can make anyway. Anyway it's not like she needs the money as her groan gets her plenty of work in the local beetbox choir (she's the subbass), and as a hired disapproving mother in law for "young couple training days". To keep her voice in mint Marge condition she performs the morning routine of swallowing a handful of sanitary dust (like normal dust but clean, available from all good chemists, DIY shops and new age outlets) and then washing it down with half a pint of linseed oil. Her paranoia has also somehow managed to manifest itself in an a over buying of linseed oil. Her room now smells like a cricket bat makers.
Joseph Bojo
Joseph Bojo, the British Ghanian has just started up is own independent speed awareness course. It is government approved despite the fact that the test simply consists of signing a piece of paper declaring one to be "aware of speed". This business has now in fact become the subject of investigation by a government think tank tackling beaurocracy/lack of. Joseph is a longtime entrepreneur, having invented the world's first combined anti-perspirant de-icer. Sadly he couldn't get it patented in England. Not because it's unsafe but because nobody likes the smell. It has sold reasonably well in Ghana despite the fact that they don't get any frost. Joseph is entirely African but in recent years has lost the pigment in is skin somewhat, due to incessant late nights at the office, no holidays and drinking ten white russians a day. He also has mild jaundice adding to the bizarre effect white russians have on his skin. He has three children, who are all home schooled by his wife. His wife is called Ching Mai and used to be his cleaner. Seeing as she was the only person he saw for five years (besides the ASDA delivery men and the occasional hobo on an early morning run) it was inevitable that he would try and hook up with her. Their children are all babies, with two male twins and a girl all within three years of each other. Thanks to the "blackanese look being in" right now In recent months Joseph has started to become insecure about his role in the family as breadwinner as his three children are now making a similar amount to him as the new faces of baby gap. Joseph now has a bit of a pipe dream of expanding his anti-perspirant business towards perfume so that he can hire himself as the face of it and beat his three toddlers at the only thing they are good at. Unbeknownst to him his wife has discovered the paperwork that alludes to said plans and is concocting a perfume of her own so she can feel emancipated and stop smelling of bleach.
No comments:
Post a Comment