Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Project Evaluation


and now for the debrief....


Final Major Project Evaluation

This module has probably been the most fruitful.  Both in what I have produced and in what I have learnt whilst producing it.  In many ways what I will discuss in the coming paragraphs will really be the tip of the iceberg as most of what I’ve learnt through making my short film, is hard to put into words and is only active at a subconscious and instinctive level whilst say writing or working on set.  Still there are a number of very clear filmmaking lessons I’ve learnt, which on their own make the time I’ve committed to this project more than worthwhile.

         Firstly one should (in a perfect world) never write, direct and produce.  Certainly not on one’s own at least.  Seeing as writing can work on its own schedule, that can be done along side directing or producing with ease.  However unless you have a reliable person or group of people helping you direct or produce it is foolhardy to be solely in charge of working with the actors and choosing shots and making sure that you keep to time and that you have all your kit and props.  On set I could feel the quality of the film slipping a tad thanks to me worrying about too many things all at once.  Linked to this – and on the whole most of my big lessons learnt are production related – is the casting issue.  I have found that low/no budget films have the ability to punch above their weight in two areas: quality of script and quality of actors as these are two important elements that can very often be acquired for free.  Seeing as organizing a casting that will pull a large crowd is an art in itself and seeing as good casting agencies and actors can cost a lot, the wise solution is to simply be on first name terms/have the phone numbers of the actors you plan on using.  This also means that it’s possible to write a part for a specific actor –making the writing process a little easier.  In my film the actor I found on cast call pro was by far the least satisfying and the actor whose part was written specifically for him was by far the most.  So for the foreseeable future filmmaking will amount to two things; writing lots of scripts and meeting as many actors as I can (that means going to lo budget plays and then going to the pub with the cast). 

         Continuing along the production lines now I’ve also learnt that unless you have a budget for large scrims, flags and HMI lights, don’t shoot more than a small portion of your film outdoors.  Especially in England the weather is erratic so for continuity and comfort’s sake (filming in the wind is worse than going to Ikea with a hangover) film indoors.  It also protects against “unwanted attention” something that gave us all kinds of rude background noises and unusable takes.  Obviously if there are a few outdoor shots that’s fine but seeing as most of my film was shot outdoors over a number of weeks, different weather conditions reared their ugly head and threatened continuity.  Leading on from that is to do with actors’ availability.  This was (like most of the problems encountered) partly my fault, partly the actors’.  Immediately after I cast them I told them the first shooting date, when we would potentially be shooting up to and what was required from them and they all said how wonderful everything sounded and that they were free.  Then on various occasions, I planned a shoot or rehearsal and the actors then said they weren’t available.  I should have found out in detail what their schedules were like and then laid out in detail what the film schedule was like.  In fact in the case of this film that wouldn’t have done much good as the actors I got were all I could get and the time I got from them was all I could get (they were either tied up with other projects or parental responsibilities) so even if I had known their schedules well from the word go, things still would’ve ended up this way.  The lesson still stands though: for best results make sure your actors have a clear stretch of time so that principle photography and ideally rehearsals can all happen back to back.  

         Both the actors and the crew should be nothing short of very enthusiastic.  I think I was naive regarding people’s commitment.  What with camera ops failing to show and actors giving wooly excuses as to why they couldn’t shoot there were moments when the film really started to crumble.  Because nobody’s being paid, as a low budget filmmaker, one must ensure that the satisfaction of the work is just as present in the crew and the actors as it is in the director and producer.  Finally there are two small points that need to be made.  This is said and heard everywhere but it’s very true: never say “we’ll fix it in post” when it can be done in camera.  Doing things in camera may seem like a drag but quite often it’s cheaper, it’s easier in the long run and it usually looks better.  Finally, and this is really just common sense, when producing low budget films, one should always have at least one car handy.  As much as I’ve been good with the budget, I have certainly not been careful when ensuring that I have a friend free to drive the crew and equipment.  A rather annoying/embarrassing sum of money has thus been spent on taxis for actors and crew.  Anyway those are the core lessons I’ve learnt about low budget filmmaking and believe me there are plenty more!  So many that I am now gagging to make another film and put these lessons into practice.  

Day 7


Here's the final day's shooting schedule.  It's the montage so there's no dialogue and so no shooting script, only working from the storyboard.




Friday, 27 April 2012

Body Art

Here are the two rival designs my tattoo artist had in mind for the first scene of my film.  I ended up choosing the lower option.




Stills

After a total disaster trying to shoot the montage sequence we realised that because of the wet weather in store and lack of time we'll have to be super speedy doing this montage sequence especially seeing as most of our time on set will probably be taken up waiting for the rain to ease off.  To get round this I've decided to shoot this scene as a montage of stills.  So below is an exact plan of what shots I'll be using and in the order they'll appear in the edit.




New Montage


I had another go at storyboarding the montage sequence involving Trudy and Peter collecting money from passing bystanders.  These shots are in no specific order.  The only real development to what was on my original rough storyboard is the emphasis on the moment when peter decides to make a break for it when he sees Trudy's lapse in attention. 



Day Six

Now we're on the home straight as far as shooting goes. This day will be the least stressful if only for the fact that we're indoors... with a kettle.




I haven't bothered to do a shotlist this time round. All I need is my crude storyboard, all on one sheet.






Monday, 23 April 2012

Tunes

So here is a shortlist/moodboard of the thoughts I've been having on the music front.  Seeing as all these tracks are from the Free Music Archive I'm all safe on the copyright front.


Free Music Archive: Culprate - Avian

Free Music Archive: eQo - Just A Little Bit More (Voide Remix)

Free Music Archive: dustmotes - Inner Tuning

Free Music Archive: Culprate - Will Be

Free Music Archive: Peaking Lights - All The Sun That Shines (Live on WFMU)

Free Music Archive: mildtape - Slowsteppers

Free Music Archive: mildtape - Smash

Free Music Archive: mildtape - [EPH013] mildtape - Index Dub

Free Music Archive: Mikey Murka - Sensi Addict

Free Music Archive: Caballo and the Mothafu Kings - Skango - Volfoniq rmx (Canada)

Free Music Archive: Disrupt - Arcade Addict

Free Music Archive: Ras Amerlock - Swapo - Officer - Ein Freund von fern riddim

Free Music Archive: Ras Amerlock - Trinity Ridaz At Flex Studios

Free Music Archive: Broke For Free - Something Old

Free Music Archive: Broke For Free - Mell's Parade

Free Music Archive: Broke For Free - Something Jah

Free Music Archive: Broke For Free - Bring Me The Night

Free Music Archive: Broke For Free - Warm Up Suit

Free Music Archive: DuBoLoGy - Swan Lake Dub

Free Music Archive: Tracky Birthday - WuBatman-Tang

Free Music Archive: Tracky Birthday - Obligatory Answering Machine Skit

Free Music Archive: Tracky Birthday - Shake Your Tree

Free Music Archive: Tracky Birthday - Intro (with Pepe, Hasi Intl™ & Rosalba)



Tuesday, 10 April 2012

6th Day Edit (with tune)

Here's day six edited. I've even added the music and the title "jingle". It's missing an answerphone message though and two shots in the middle. All in good time.



3rd, 4th and 5th Day's Jigsaw

Well here's the moment of truth. And yes I've gotten away with it! The shots match up. Sadly though we were not all too lucky with the weather so things could well lack a little continuity if post production doesn't sort things out. Still, it's all present and correct and I did make the most of a bad situation.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Day Five





This is the day when I'll begin to find out whether or not I've managed to get around that problem I was talking about regarding my unavailable actors. As well as the call sheets and new shot list i've also taken a few screenshots of what is going to be edited with what I'm planing on shooting. This is pretty much simply so we can match eyelines.


















Saturday, 24 March 2012

Miles Edited

And I did likewise for Miles...

Miles Owego


Miles graduated from Durham four years ago and has just had his first child with his Danish wife. He is a city lawyer and he doesn't know that he doesn't really know why he's a lawyer. He would like to blame it on his archetypally pushy Nigerian mother but growing up his mother was rarely around to push him and so he had a reasonably relaxed upbringing. He still managed to work like a paranoid monk through his entire education. His wife knows that deep down inside he doesn't even like working and knows that the only time she has seen him totally at peace is when he is watering her flowers. She has suggested cultivating his own area of the garden to him but every time she does this he gives her the same rhetoric, that a garden is for a woman to decorate and for a man to read The Economist in. This really pisses her off. He's started reading the economist to their eight-week year old son, Elijah. Miles' father was in fact a bit of a hippy and would play the guitar, and his trumpet and read lots of books to Miles, namely Beatrix Potter. Miles half pretends this didn't really happen to him as a child so as to prevent any accusations of being a hippy. This only goes to anger his wife further when he insists on reading heavyweight political commentary and current affairs to their child over normal children's books. Miles has a secret, he once bought a lottery ticket! As an avid Thatcherite, not to mention a rational human being he believes that earning money (i.e not winning/inheriting/finding/being given money) is one of the most beautiful acts a human being can perform and of course is fully aware of the silly odds on winning the lottery. Even still, and this is something he has now blocked from his memory, he did in fact enjoy the thrill of partaking in the lottery. He is a massive hypochondriac. Miles has a full medical twice a year and this is the only instance of him being selfish and not putting his family first. He thinks that his greatest fear is being a failure and not living up to his family's needs and expectations but with a first in Politics, a CPE and three very successful years at the law-firm, it looks like there is very little chance of that happening any time soon. Although he doesn't know it yet his greatest fear is not living a very long life. He is very scared of death and whenever the topic comes up - say when people casually mention what they want to do before they die - he tries to divert the topic and peppers the conversation with bad jokes and nervous laughter. Although he has a sense of humor, he isn't a particularly funny guy. The only instances he makes jokes in are around his family and they usually fall flat. When they do get a laugh it is usually out of pity. Miles knows deep down that he isn't funny but he does a good job of suppressing this knowledge. Whilst Miles' family are all keen church goers, he is an Atheist but when asked to go into detail about his reasons or discuss religion in any way he always manages to weave in political reasons as to why he doesn't like religion and not why there isn't a god. As a joke, for a Christmas present his nephew Emile (who is the son of Miles' very different and Jovial younger brother) pretended not to know that Miles is an Atheist and got him a twelve hour dvd box set of live recordings from an Evangelical Christian speaker "The High Exalted Pastor Pete". Knowing full well that Miles would be far too polite about not liking it, Emile suggested that Miles watch all of it on Christmas day. Emile then told his parents that this year he'd like to stay at his uncle's for the night just to see Miles torture himself and sit through all twelve hours of the dvd so as not to arouse any suspicion that he wasn't satisfied with his gift. Although Miles is a good, nice and polite individual, he's not that nice and the following Christmas he thought he'd get back at Emile by knitting him a wooly christmas jumper. The joke still remains on Miles as Emile really likes it and wears it all year round, plus Miles did put a stupid amount of effort into brushing up on his knitting skills (his dad taught him when he was younger) as well as money on some quite nice wool from Liberty's. Miles doesn't daydream that often. Whenever he does he feels very guilty. He does not believe in coincidences and never wishes anyone good luck; "luck is like a group of carol singers; not really seen these days and only appreciated by the type of people who don't know anything about the stock market." Miles adores going on holiday and is a completely different person when on one. The only time his wife has seen him drunk was in Barabdos last year when the family were entertaining a cool sociable American family at the Villa they were staying in. Miles must've felt under pressure to entertain and for the latter part of the evening couldn't stop grinning and shouting "this is such good wine!" Miles has a bit of a thing for Americans and America and a smile comes to his face whenever the country is mentioned. He spent a lot of time there on his gap year both in Washington D.C and Long Island. He is scarily blasé about the slave trade. It is because of comments like these that his father (and most of his family) jokes with him and calls him a coconut; black on the outside, white on the inside. Miles' father inherited a lot of money from his grandfather (a nigerian politician). Miles' father has worked two jobs his entire life, both have been for Miles' grandfather. Miles' father is blissfully unaware of the strong possibility that Miles' grandfather was not "the only honorable soul, amidst the corrupt ocean of Nigerian politics". Anyone who knows anything about Nigeria's political history, the rest of Mile's extended family or Miles' Grandfather's amazing ability to divert dinner table attention away from his work feels that Miles' grandrather had a fair few skeletons in his closet. This is partly why Miles has such an aversion to fun and letting his hair down as he (somewhat irrationally) associates fun with being blissfully ignorant of the fact that the rest of the world is suffering torture and pain. Miles' dream is to own a medium sized island, he can't be arsed to get a large island and anyway that would be excessive. One of the few funny things he talks about is his wacky plan for his island. His unquenchable passion for money, politics, power and money all culminates into him getting very enthusiastic about his island and his only creative moments since nursery school have been him working out what he's going to have on his island namely; a yo sushi type conveyer-belt throughout house, garden and surrounding land, a replica Palace of Westminster with Wonka style chocolate river as the thames, for his child; teletubby land exactly as it was on telly, for his wife a large garden (with Alan Titchmarsh living at the bottom of it), a helipad that has his face in place of the H and a large underground humidor with an intricate sysetm of tubes that feed into the branches of a small orchard of fake trees creating the illusion of Cuban cigars growing from the trees' branches. He feels that most people don't like him, he tells himself that he doesn't care and in part this is true because he knows that he is a good person and that if people can't see that then screw them. There is still a fairly large portion of him though that wishes he was liked more. Ironically Miles is liked by most people and one of people's main qualms about him from others is regarding his paranoia. At school he wasn't bullied, partly because not a lot of people knew who he was. He didn't stick out like a dork. His claim to fame is that at school, he appeared in the cover photo of the school prospectus. This was an especially big deal as he was the first black kid to ever appear on the cover. Some of the white stuffy parents were clearly unsettled by it and Miles' father wrote a song about the whole affair and emailed it to all the parents he suspected had a problem with the photo. Miles' dream is to go into politics and become Lord Chief Justice. This is partly because he sees it as just the right kind of power; old school power with many fingers in many pies, but also because he figures it is the most powerful job in Britain that demands one to wear a wig in the job. Wearing a wig is a must for him (and partly the reason why he wanted to be a barrister) because he is very insecure about his lack of hair. Miles gives to a number of charities; save the children, freedom from torture and follicle aid (a charity that helps fight baldness). He still doesn't give to tramps and is very stingy when it comes to christmas presents as he believes that none of his family need/deserve presents. He feels the same about receiving presents too and every Christmas his wife gets him something he doesn't want. There is a cupboard in his bedroom full of very nice hardly opened things such as a motorized tie rack, an ipad and a home gym as well as trivial tat like a self stirring mug and a billy bass singing fish. His wife is slowly and subtly coaxing him into having christmas at their place one year, mostly by asking the rest of Miles' family to do a shoddy job on the all the things Miles likes about Christmas so that he'll feel that if he wants a good christmas he'll have to do it himself. You see for all Miles' aversion to presents he adores Christmas and it is probably the time of year where he feels the most powerful and is most relaxed. It is also when most of his jokes are actually laughed at. Miles' family will always remember Christmas 2009 when his wife bought him an iphone. It has been the only extravagant gift (in fact the only gift full stop) he has accepted since his childhood on the grounds that it is an indispensable tool and a work of art. It is also of such a significance because since he got it he has become a lot cooler and a little more relaxed. His family think that it's because apple suddenly made being an organized businessman look edgy and sexy; all of a sudden everywhere all the suits were looking like this and were proud of it. Every now and again Miles' wife jokes about his hilarious hypocrisy with regard to his iphone/attitude to presents and Miles gives an arrogant, long winded and silly explanation as to why this iphone is an exception to the no presents rule. Very quickly Miles' wife reminds herself what good the iphone has done her husband and shuts her trap before Miles' realizes she's right and gets rid of the iphone and stops being cool.

Lance Edited

I had a read through the five outline entries I did for Lance and both edited and familiarized myself more with the character I've created. Here is the edited, first part of Lance's character. The bits I've added/changed are in bold.


Lance Rice


Lance rice is a seventeen year old Neo-Nazi and he likes wearing his grey overcoat all the time which is why he doesn't like the summer. He got an A.S.B.O for getting drunk showing a policeman the swastika shaved into his pubes. His eyebrows are very bushy as when he was younger he wanted to show his Neo-Nazi siblings how cool and committed he was by frequently shaving off his eyebrows. His brothers egged him on untill their long suffering mother got worried after Lance intently asked her where she got her laser hair removal done. He is the middle child and least successful academically, his only GCSE A grade was in religious studies. He calls himself a christian but he doesn't go to church. He pretends to know a lot about the northern Ireland crisis but has in the past got the IRA and IPA beer confused. He reads a lot of Beatrix Potter and identifies most with Tom Kitten's character. He has a danish pen pall whom he plans on loosing his virginity to. His (few) mates and brothers tease him about "waiting" for the right girl and Lance keeps on kidding himself that it's not that nobody wants to shag him but that he's waiting for "a clean, pure and strong cervix that is ready to accept his seed". His pen pall is only talking to him because she wants his collection of Beatrix Potter books (they are in mint condition). Seeing as nobody wants to sleep with him without a condom on (he does look quite dirty) getting action doesn't look likely. He writes poetry which he gets "published" through him paying for space in loot. By advertising items nobody wants to buy (namely swastika tie clips and Dr Martin Boots with flashing lights in the heels). He is more afraid of black people than hateful towards them, obviously though it doesn't come across that way. It stems from a paintballing incident when he was ten, when one of the marshals who happend to be black got bored and decided to start firing at him thus making him "colored". He ended up very colored, black and blue mostly all over from the bruising. He lives in his older brother's shadow, his older brother (Horace) being a UFC champion. His mother can't walk and his father has gotten pretty sick of taking care of her so he has been syphoning off Horace's prize money over the past year to pay for his mother's care, all unbeknownst to her. The three children obviously resent their father for doing so but keep their mouths shut for want of not upsetting their mother. Lance's dream is to write a cult musical like the Rocky Horror Show. Richard O'brien being a fellow baldy is a bit of an idol of his. He once met him on Tottenham Court Road and they signed each other's skinheads. When he can't get to sleep at night he sings the song "Time Warp" to himself, if only in the hope that it will induce his favorite recurring dream where he is performing in the Rocky Horror Show. He does not know it yet but he has abnormally large amounts of estrogen. He shows little hope in the facial hair department but it doesn't stop him proudly displaying his minimal bum-fluff. He is quite tall (six foot five) and if he is good at anything, it's the high jump. One of is few friends is the caretaker at Paddington recreation ground who lets him use the equipment on the athletics track there whenever he wants to for free, even in darkest Winter. Lance doesn't talk much to most people but he does come out of his shell when he is around someone he feels superior to. For a while this can be misconstrued by some as being confidence/having a sunny disposition. His three good friends his age have been mates with him since they were all very small. They are all into their music and they like doing jackass stunts together. They are like brothers however Lance is still a bit of a black sheep at times. All four of them live on the same road in Hendon, North London. Other than black people Lance is most afraid of all forms of Physical pain. He frequently crosses the road to avoid any dodgy looking people approaching, much to the annoyance of his friends. They persuade him to take self defense classes but he says that he doesn't have the time as he's about to start writing his musical. He's been about to start writing his musical for the past five years. The real reason he doesn't want to do the classes is because of his brother and he doesn't want to be seen to be trying to be like his brother in any way as he knows that it will just make him look silly. Lance got a little scare the other day when his brother thought he'd try writing a novel on the side of his cage-fighting career. Lance's dad takes the piss out of Lance by calling him gay (who could blame him). Lance manages to always fluff what might actually be a reasonable retort involving how his brother plays with scantily clad men in a cage for a living. Lance probably gets his nervous wreck/sunny disposition from his relationship with his dad. Whilst his dad may be mean to his son and syphon off money he still makes an effort as a dad. But it's usually the wrong sort. His dad doesn't seem to have grown up, he takes the boys to strip clubs, gets tattoos with the boys and really doesn't seem to mind that his three sons are Neo-Nazis. Then his father drinks and doesn't talk to his children for days and sits in front of the telly watching awful shows like deal or no deal. This wayward upbringing is probably the closest one might say Lance is to living in a "broken home". Lance's dad has never cheated on his wife, although he's had his fair share of the ladies he now couldn't really be bothered. Lance doesn't really know where he'll be in twenty years. He used to be adamant that he was going to be a variety of things, last year he was convinced of being the following; an actor, a golf caddie, a high jump coach, a daemon headmaster, a lumberjack. Finally though he learnt his lesson after getting drunk whilst watching Britain's got Talent and realising that having a dream is bloody embarrassing. Lance likes to show off in front of his friends when a tamp or charity fundraiser pesters him by giving them an inventive rebuke. He only does these things though when around his friends and especially when he's drunk. He drinks a lot, frequently on his own and without others knowing. He takes great pride in his alternative taste in alcohol; obscure ales and Russian whiskey being his weapons of choice. He despises people who drink spiced rum. Along with musical soundtracks he likes a variety of punk rock bands, Rolf Harris, The Cure and country music. Many people think that he's only listening to country music to fit in with his white power counterparts in America. He used to be quite close with his mum, however thanks to his progression through adolescence he has become embarrassed to spend as much time with her, as he has realized that he is a bit of a mummy's boy. To everyone else however it appears as though Lance is ashamed of his mum's disability. Nobody has mentioned this to him and he has never considered the issue and so it is the source of much tension and resentment amongst the family. He doesn't plan on voting BNP when he is of age. He doesn't plan on voting at all as he believes politics as it is, is weak and that nobody in Westminster has a clue about what is good for the nation. Politics is what really brings him and his brother together. They indulge in collective rants about the government, coated in dogmatic ideas and ignorance. He likes to consider himself well read, he in reality he only reads Stephen King, the rest of his library is whatever WH Smith has on special offer. Lance rarely sleeps more than four hours a night and has been like this since he entered his teens. What makes things worse is that he eats a lot of sugar, giving him regular sugar lows. He doesn't do any drugs and to the amazement of his friends, whenever they have been taking stimulants he is miraculously always the last one left awake. People suspect he has A.D.H.D as once he nicked an American exchange student's ritalin, took it and became a normal human being. He never the less has done his fair share of drugs. Lots of them. After six months he had become bored with all of them though. He always sleeps dead straight, facing up as if in a coffin he has done this ever since he rolled off the top of a bunk bead when he was seven. He is just as much of a homophobe as everyone in his family and he doesn't realize that his choice of idols would suggest otherwise; Richard O'Brien, Kenneth Williams and Kevin Spacey. When he is bored he likes to go London Zoo, The Science Museum and the London Transport Museum. Frequently he gets into prolonged conversations with bus drivers when boarding the bus and it holds everyone up. Although he doesn't like to think about the future he thinks a lot about old age. One way in which he is quite wise is in his acceptance of the fact that we all grow old and die and that in old age we have a greater capacity to accept life as it is and - partly due to life's "work" being over and done with - loose all the worries that plague humans in their youth such has those regarding careers, money and relationships. Unfortunately he is the very opposite of what he preaches; he is frequently agitated by the most trivial of things, he is almost running from his future yet is still worried about his career, money and relationships and he pretends to himself that he isn't. He is very much a glass half empty person and he thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. He doesn't really go to the other side though, at least not intentionally.



Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Lance and Miles 5

Here's what will probably be the last bit of character outlining of Lance and Miles before I go back and start editing and looking over what i've written.


Miles rarely sleeps more than four hours a night and has been like this since he entered his teens. What makes things worse is that he eats a lot of sugar, giving him regular sugar low's. He doesn't really do any drugs surprisingly and to the amazement of his friends, whenever they have been to a rave he miraculously is always the last one left awake. People suspect he has A.D.H.D as once he nicked an American exchange student's ritalin, took it and became a normal human being. He never the less has done his fair share of drugs. Lots of them. After six months he had become bored with all of them though. He always sleeps dead straight, facing up as if in a coffin he has done this ever since he rolled out of the top bunk of a bunk bead when he was seven. He is just as much of a homophobe as everyone in his family and he doesn't realize that many of the people he looks up to would suggest otherwise; Richard O'Brien, Kenneth Williams and Kevin Spacey. When he is bored he likes to go London Zoo, The Science Museum and the London Transport Museum. Frequently he gets into prolonged conversations with bus drivers when boarding the bus and it holds everyone up. Although he doesn't like to think about the future he thinks a lot about old age. One way in which he is quite wise is in his acceptance of the fact that we all grow old and die and that in old age we have a greater capacity to accept life as it is and - partly due to life's "work" being over and done with - loose all the worries that plague humans in their youth such has those regarding careers, money and relationships. Unfortunately he is the very opposite of what he preaches; he is frequently agitated by the most trivial of things, he is almost running from his future yet is still worried about his career, money and relationships although he pretends to himself that he isn't. He is very much a glass half empty person and he thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. He doesn't really go to the other side though, at least not intentionally.


Miles' dream is to go into politics and become Lord Chief Justice. This is partly because he sees it as just the right kind of power; old school power with many fingers in many pies, but also because he figures it is the most powerful job in Britain that demands one to wear a wig in the job. Wearing a wig is a must for him (and partly the reason why he wanted to be a barrister) because he is very ashamed about his lack of hair. Miles gives to a number of charities; save the children, freedom from torture and follicle aid (a charity that helps fight baldness). He still doesn't give to tramps and is very stingy when it comes to christmas presents as he believes that none of his family need/deserve presents. He feels the same about receiving presents too and every Christmas his wife gets him something he doesn't want. There is a cupboard in his bedroom full of very nice hardly opened things such as a motorized tie rack, an ipad and a home gym as well as trivial tat like a self stirring mug and a billy bass singing fish. His wife is slowly and subtly coaxing him into having christmas at their place one year mostly by asking the rest of Miles' family to do a shoddy job the all the things Miles likes about Christmas so that he'll feel that if he wants a good christmas he'll have to do it himself. You see for all Miles' aversion to presents he adores Christmas and it is probably the time of year where he feels the most powerful and is most relaxed. It is also when most of his jokes are actually laughed at. Miles' family will always remember Christmas 2009 when his wife bought him an iphone. It has been the only extravagant gift (in fact the only gift full stop) he has accepted since his childhood on the grounds that it is an indispensable tool and a work of art. It is also of such a significance because since he got it he has become a lot cooler and a little more relaxed. His family think that it's because apple suddenly made being an organized businessman look edgy and sexy; all of a sudden everywhere all the suits were looking like this and were proud of it. Every now and again Miles' wife jokes about his hilarious hypocrisy with regard to his iphone/attitude to presents and Miles gives an arrogant, long winded and silly explanation as to why this iphone is an exception to the no presents rule. Very quickly Miles' wife reminds herself what good the iphone has done her husband and shuts her trap before Miles' realizes she's right and gets rid of the iphone and stops being as cool.

Lance and Miles 4

Further outlining and backstory for Lance and Miles


Lance is the type to give to tramps whilst at the same time be rude to charity fundraisers. He only does both of these things though when around his friends and especially when he's drunk. He drinks a lot, frequently on his own and without others knowing. He takes great pride in his alternative taste in alcohol; random bitters and Russian Whiskey being his weapons of choice. He despises people who drink spiced rum. Along with musical soundtracks he likes a variety of punk rock bands, Rolf Harris, The Cure and country music. Many people think that he's only listening to country music to fit in with his white power counterparts in America. He used to be quite close with his mum, however thanks to his progression through adolescence he has become embarrassed to spend as much time with her as he has realized that he is a bit of a mummy's boy. To everyone else however it appears as though Lance is ashamed of his mum's disability. Nobody has mentioned this to him and he has never considered the issue and so it is the source of much tension and resentment amongst the family. He doesn't plan on voting BNP when he is of age. He doesn't plan on voting at all as he believes politics as it is is weak and that nobody in westminster has a clue about what is good for the nation. Politics is what really brings him and his brother together. They indulge in collective rants about the government, coated in dogmatic ideas and ignorance. He likes to consider himself well read, he only really reads Stephen King, the rest of his library is whatever WH Smith has on special offer.


Miles' dream is to own a medium sized island, he can't be arsed to get a large island and anyway that would be excessive. One of the few funny things he talks about is his wacky plan for his island. His unquenchable passion for money, politics, power and money all culminates into him getting very enthusiastic about his island and his only creative moments since nursery school have been him working out what he's going to have on his island namely; a yo sushi type conveyer belt throughout house, garden and surrounding land, a replica Palace of Westminster with Wonka style chocolate river as the thames, for his child; teletubby land exactly as it was on telly, for his wife a large garden (with Alan Titchmarsh living at the bottom of it), a helipad that has his face in place of the H and a large underground humidor with an intricate sysetm of tubes that feed into the branches of a small orchard of fake trees creating the illusion of Cuban cigars growing from the trees' branches. He feels that most people don't like him, he tells himself that he doesn't care and in part this is true because he knows that he is a good person and that if people can't see that then screw them. There is still a fairly large portion of him though that wishes he was liked more. Ironically Miles is liked by most people and one of people's main qualms about him from others is regarding his paranoia. At school he wasn't bullied, partly because not a lot of people knew who he was. He didn't stick out like a dork. First claim to fame at school was when he appeared in the cover photo of the school prospectus. This was an especially big deal as he was the first black kid to ever appear on the cover. Some of the white stuffy parents were clearly unsettled by it and Miles' father wrote a song about the whole affair and emailed it to all the parents he suspected had a problem with the photo.


Lance and Miles 3

More on Miles and Lance


Lance comes across to some people as having a sunny disposition and to others as being a nervous wreck and slightly rude depending on weather he's on form or not. His three good friends his age have been mates with him since they were all very small. They are like brothers however Lance is still very much the Black sheep. All four of them live in a house that backs on to the same communal garden in Hendon, North London. Other than black people Lance is most afraid of all forms of Physical pain. He frequently crosses the road to avoid any dodgy looking people approaching much to the annoyance of his friends. They persuade him to take self defense classes but he says that he doesn't have the time as he's about to start writing his musical. He's been about to start writing his musical for the past five years. The real reason he doesn't want to do the classes is because of his brother and he doesn't want to be seen to be trying to be like his brother in any way as he knows that it will just make him look silly. Lance got a little scare the other day when his brother thought he'd try writing a novel on the side of his cage-fighting career. Lance's dad takes the piss out of Lance by calling him gay (who could blame him). Lance manages to always fluff what might actually be a reasonable retort involving how his brother plays with scantily clad men in a cage for a living. Lance probably gets his nervous wreck/sunny disposition from his dad. Whilst his dad may be mean to his son and syphon off money he still makes an effort as a dad. But it's usually the wrong sort. His dad doesn't seem to have grown up, he takes the boys to strip clubs, gets tattoos with the boys and really doesn't seem to mind that his three sons are Neo Nazis. Then his father drinks and doesn't talk to his children for days and sits in front of the telly watching awful shows like deal or no deal. This wayward upbringing is probably the closest one might say Lance is to living in a "broken home". Lance's dad has never cheated on his wife, although he's had his fair share of the ladies he now couldn't really be bothered. Lance doesn't really know where he'll be in twenty years. He used to be adamant that he was going to be a variety of things, last year he was convinced of being the following; an actor, a golf caddie, a synchronised swimming coach, a daemon headmaster, a barrister. Finally though he learnt his lesson after getting drunk whilst watching Britain's got Talent and realising that having a dream is bloody embarrassing.


Miles adores going on holiday and is a completely different person when on one. The only time his wife has seen him drunk was in Barabdos last year when the family were entertaining an cool sociable American family at the Villa they were staying in. Miles must've felt under pressure to entertain and for the latter part of the evening couldn't stop grinning and shouting "this is such good wine!" Miles has a bit of a thing for Americans and America and a smile comes to his face whenever the country is mentioned. He spent a lot of time there on his gap year both in Washington D.C and Long Island. He is scarily blasé about the slave trade, saying that it's all done and dusted thanks to Mr Obama, and that "Africa and the States have let bygones be bygones! I mean they even helped out with all kinds of favours like sorting Gadaffi, giving Aids awareness courses and boosting their economy with all the movies made there, like Blood Diamond!" It is because of comments like these that his father (and most of his family) jokes with him and calls him a coconut; black on the outside, white on the inside. Miles' father inherited a lot of money from his grandfather (a nigerian politician). Miles' father has worked two jobs his entire life, both have been for Miles' grandfather. Miles' father is blissfully unaware of the strong possibility that Miles' grandfather was not "the only honorable soul, amidst the corrupt ocean of Nigerian politics". Anyone who knows anything about Nigeria's political history, the rest of Mile's extended family or Miles' Grandfather's amazing ability to divert dinner table attention away from his work feels that Miles' grandrather had a fair few skeletons in his closet. This is partly why Miles has such an aversion to fun and letting his hair down as he (somewhat irrationally) associates fun with being blissfully ignorant of the fact that the rest of the world is suffering torture and pain.


Lance and Miles 2

Here's round two of my two main character's outlines.



Lance


He is more afraid of black people than hateful towards them, obviously though it doesn't come across that way. It stems from a Paintballing incident when he was ten when one of the Marshals who happend to be black got bored and decided to start firing at him thus making him "colored". He ended up very colored, black and blue mostly all over from the bruising. He lives in his older brother's shadow, his older brother (Horace) being a UFC champion. His mother can't walk and his father has gotten pretty sick of taking care of her so he has been syphoning off Horace's prize money over the past year to pay for his mother's care, all unbeknownst to her. The three children obviously resent their father for doing so but keep their mouths shut for want of not upsetting their mother. Lance's dream is to write a cult musical like the Rocky Horror Show. Richard O'brien being a fellow baldy is a bit of an idol of his. He once met him on Tottenham Court Road and they signed each other's skinheads. When he can't get to sleep at night he sings Time Warp to himself, if only in the hope that it will induce his favorite recurring dream where he is performing in the Rocky Horror Show. He does not know it yet but he has abnormally large amounts of estrogen. He shows little hope in the facial hair department but it doesn't stop him proudly displaying his minimal bum-fluff. He is quite tall (six foot five) and if he is good at anything, it's the high jump. One of is few friends is the caretaker at Paddington recreation ground who lets him use the equipment on the athletics track there whenever he wants to for free, even in darkest Winter.



Miles


He thinks that his greatest fear is being a failure and not living up to his family's needs and expectations but with a first in Politics and three very upwardly mobile years at the law-firm it looks like there is very little chance of that happening any time soon. Although he doesn't know it yet his greatest fear is not living a very long life. He is very scared of death and whenever the topic comes up - say when people casually mention what they want to do before they die - he tries to divert the topic and peppers the conversation with bad jokes and nervous laughter. Although he has a sense of humor, he isn't a particularly funny guy. The only instances he makes jokes in are around his family and they usually fall flat. When they do get a laugh it is usually out of pity. Miles never really considers the fact that he isn't funny, but he does sense a fair degree of discomfort whenever his jokes don't work. He quickly pretends it didn't happen though and suppresses the unease thereby adding to his underlying tension. Whilst Miles' family are all keen church goers, he is an Atheist but when asked to go into detail about his reasons or discuss religion in any way he always manages to weave in political reasons as to why he doesn't like religion and not why there isn't a god. As a joke, for a Christmas present his nephew Emile (who is the son of Miles' very different and Jovial younger brother) pretended not to know that Miles is an Atheist and got him a twelve hour dvd box set of live recordings from an Evangelical Christian speaker "The Exalted Pastor Pete". Knowing full well that Miles would be far too polite about not liking it, Emile suggested that Miles watch all of it on Christmas day. Emile told his parents that this year he'd like to stay at his uncle's for the night just to see Miles torture himself and sit thorough all twelve hours of the dvd so as not to arouse any suspicion that he wasn't satisfied. Although Miles is a good, nice and polite individual he's not that nice and the following Christmas he thought he'd get back at Emile by knitting him a wooly christmas jumper. The joke still remains on Miles as Emile really likes it and wears it all year round, plus Miles did put a stupid amount of effort into brushing up on his knitting skills (his dad taught him when he was younger) as well as money on some quite nice wool from Liberty's. Miles doesn't daydream that often. Whenever he does he feels very guilty. He does not believe in coincidences and never wishes anyone good luck; "luck is like a group of carol singers; you don't really see it these days and it's only appreciated by the type of people who don't understand the stock market"


Lance and Miles

So here is my first character outlining session. My aim is to do a lot of this for these two characters. So much so that I do it until I'm completely sick and tired of them and feel constipated with how much I know about them that I will have no choice but to start writing the script.

Lance Rice


Lance rice is a seventeen year old Neo Nazi. He is one of three children. He recently did community service for letting off a stink bomb in a synagogue. Oddly enough he was in fact charged for trespassing rather than setting off the stink bomb as he had gatecrashed someone's bar mitzvah. If he had only decided to come to the regular saturday service then he would've simply been let off with a cross word from the Rabbi. His eyebrows are very bushy as when he was younger he wanted to show his neo-nazi siblings how cool and committed he was by frequently shaving off his eyebrows. His brothers egged him on untill their long suffering mother got worried after Lance asked her where she got her laser hair removal done. He is the middle child and least successful academically, his only GCSE A grade was in religious studies. He is aggressively catholic, so much so that he is adamant that when he and his friends go out for a beer, they bless it and that it literally becomes the urine of christ. He pretends to know a lot about the northern Ireland crisis but has in the past got the IRA and IPA beer confused. He reads a lot of Beatrix Potter and identifies most with Tom Kitten's character. He has a Japanese pen pall whom he plans on loosing his virginity to. His (few) mates and brothers tease him about "waiting" for the right girl and Lance keeps on kidding himself that it's not that nobody wants to shag him but that he's waiting for "a clean, pure and strong cervix that is ready to accept his seed". His Japanese pen pall is only talking to him because she wants his entire collection of Beatrix Potter books. Seeing as nobody wants to sleep with him without a condom on (he does look quite dirty) getting action doesn't look likely. He writes poetry which he gets "published" through him paying for space in loot. By advertising items nobody wants to buy (namely swastika tie clips and Dr Martin Boots with flashing lights in the heels).




Miles Owego


Miles graduated from Durham four years ago and has just had his first child with his Danish wife. He is a city Lawyer and he doean't really know why. He would like to blame it on his archetypally pushy Nigerian mother but growing up his mother was rarely around to push him and so he had a reasonably relaxed upbringing. He still managed to work like a paranoid monk through his entire education. His wife knows that deep down inside he doesn't even like working and knows that the only time she has seen him totally at peace is when he is watering her flowers. She has suggested cultivating his own area of the garden to him but every time she does this he gives her the same rhetoric, that a garden is for a woman to decorate and for a man to read The Economist in. This really does piss her off, especially seeing as he's started reading the economist to their eight-week year old son, Elijah. Miles' father was in fact a bit of a hippy and would play the guitar, and his trumpet and read lots of books to Miles, namely Beatrix Potter. Miles half pretends this didn't really happen to him as a child. This only goes to anger his wife further when he insists on reading heavyweight political commentary and current affairs to their child over normal children's books. Miles has a secret, he once bought a lottery ticket! As an avid Thatcherite not to mention a rational human being he believes that earning money is one of the most beautiful acts a human being can perform. Even still, and this is something he has now blocked from his memory, he did in fact enjoy the thrill of partaking in the lottery. He is a massive hypochondriac, not helped by his best friend, Vikram from Durham who is a Doctor and in effect suggests new diseases for Miles each week just by Miles complaining over nothing and Vikram feeling obliged to find an explanation for his friend's problems. Miles has a full medical twice a year and this is the only instance of him being selfish and not putting his family first.

Monday, 19 March 2012

What Next?

Now that I've got a little time out from my film I can start thinking about my next project. For my next film I want to base it around the actors more. Because organizing a casting that actually yields a decent pool of actors is tough enough it pays to keep the cast to a minimum. Also, as far as ease of production goes, finding an actor that is keen and available to shoot is also a must. Because I wasn't 100% ruthless about finding out actors' availability in intimate detail I found myself unable to do all important rehearsals, thus adding to time on set getting the performance right. On top of this I want to make the locations much simpler and keep them indoors. Shooting outdoors is very hectic. What with wind, variable light and unwanted public attention, one will be able to shoot more footage and in a less stressed out manner if one is in the comfort of someone's house.

I had an idea that fits this premise quite well. What happens when a black man and a Neo Nazi meet on chatroulette? For those of you who don't know chatroulette is a website that connects you to a skype-esque video chat scenario with anyone from around the word at random. I.e two people who are predisposed to hate each other meet by chance in a very unnatural environment. This means that the bulk/all of the film can consist of shots of a chatroulette interface all shot indoors and with simple lighting. Firstly though I need to get to know the characters....

Friday, 16 March 2012

More and More People

Here are the 11th and 12th characters I've dreamt up over the recent days.


Shayene Curtis.


Shayene Curtis (real name Brenda McDougle) is Scotland's oldest Rastafarian at age 87. She is a recent convert, having discovered the religion five years ago when she first tried smoking weed; she and her grandson Joe thought it would be the perfect way to stick two fingers up at her son (Joe's Dad) for putting her in the home, plus it's better than any of the rubbish medication she gets anyway. She was very close to being thrown out after they discovered her new found pastime but one of the home's "far out" patrons (a mate of Sting's) butted in at the last minute when he heard that one of his "flock" was being discriminated against because of their religion. May I stress that this was before Brenda knew what Rastafarianism was, of course obviously her grandson swiftly filled her in and suggested the new name before the home's carers figured things out. Keeping to his principles the patron has paid for a banner of King Selassie to hang along side other symbols in the old people's home's room dedicated to faith. Of course seeing as this is rural Scotland the banner looks somewhat incongruous in a room of christian iconography. This is really the tip of the iceberg as a growing number of home members and their families are currently plotting to evict Shayene. They think they may not have to as Shayene has started planting skunk seeds in place of her geraniums.



William Norbert.


William Norbert is the village pervert vicar. He is an upstanding member of the local community, has been part of it for some 50 years and is affectionately known as the "balls from St Paul's". Seeing as it's innocent "old style" peadoing he never does anyone any harm and families are perfectly happy to entertain an old man for an afternoon by putting their children in skimpier tennis outfits than normal when William is around for tea. People knew he was just an innocent pervert after someone found a book of his in the bottom of his golf bag outlining ways in which a peado priest can keep his cool during kinky public affairs such as baptism or when training page boys. The people who publish said book do a similar one for rabbis when tackling circumcisions. He is banned from village cricket matches though as he was frequently accused of sledging. Everyone knows this was merely playful banter and in any case it was far too easy for him as William was wicket keeper and thus couldn't help but succumb to the infinate ball handling innuendoes and views of the batsman's arse. It was an honorable discharge really and he accepts that the village found his arse in cricket whites understandably distracting. He is allowed to umpire and only if he wears his long white priest robes when doing it. This is really nothing to do with him being a perv, more to do with the village finding it funny when he signals a wide or no ball and his cloth flaps everywhere. William has also put the village on the map in various sex guidebooks and every year a small number of sex tourists flock to the villiage to meet and greet the famous "balls". One tourist actually went back home to Amsterdam and opened a pub named after him (using his nickname of course). He does in fact have a son from a marriage a long time ago but his son converted to scientology and moved to germany years ago at the age of 15. He is estranged from his father as they understandably left on bad terms, partly because to escape his son took used his father's hot air balloon, William's pride and joy.

Making People Five

And another batch of characters...

Debbie Sanders

Debbie Sanders has just scored herself a lucrative deal as the new voice of the drive safety awareness adverts on t.v. The adverts are played out by badly animated rip offs of "The Simpsons" characters. After being overheard giving a deep groaning noise by a sound recordist for t.v whilst in the que to top up her oyster card she was given a job as the voice actor for Marge. She is however paranoid about her job security. The sound booth she records in each week is only someone's egg box covered basement in Lewisham and she hasn't been asked back to work for a while since somebody in the studio mentioned that her Marge groan (all she's good for) could be stored in the sound library. Her friends tell her that there's no reason to be paranoid because there are only so many Simpsons speed awareness course adverts one can make anyway. Anyway it's not like she needs the money as her groan gets her plenty of work in the local beetbox choir (she's the subbass), and as a hired disapproving mother in law for "young couple training days". To keep her voice in mint Marge condition she performs the morning routine of swallowing a handful of sanitary dust (like normal dust but clean, available from all good chemists, DIY shops and new age outlets) and then washing it down with half a pint of linseed oil. Her paranoia has also somehow managed to manifest itself in an a over buying of linseed oil. Her room now smells like a cricket bat makers.



Joseph Bojo


Joseph Bojo, the British Ghanian has just started up is own independent speed awareness course. It is government approved despite the fact that the test simply consists of signing a piece of paper declaring one to be "aware of speed". This business has now in fact become the subject of investigation by a government think tank tackling beaurocracy/lack of. Joseph is a longtime entrepreneur, having invented the world's first combined anti-perspirant de-icer. Sadly he couldn't get it patented in England. Not because it's unsafe but because nobody likes the smell. It has sold reasonably well in Ghana despite the fact that they don't get any frost. Joseph is entirely African but in recent years has lost the pigment in is skin somewhat, due to incessant late nights at the office, no holidays and drinking ten white russians a day. He also has mild jaundice adding to the bizarre effect white russians have on his skin. He has three children, who are all home schooled by his wife. His wife is called Ching Mai and used to be his cleaner. Seeing as she was the only person he saw for five years (besides the ASDA delivery men and the occasional hobo on an early morning run) it was inevitable that he would try and hook up with her. Their children are all babies, with two male twins and a girl all within three years of each other. Thanks to the "blackanese look being in" right now In recent months Joseph has started to become insecure about his role in the family as breadwinner as his three children are now making a similar amount to him as the new faces of baby gap. Joseph now has a bit of a pipe dream of expanding his anti-perspirant business towards perfume so that he can hire himself as the face of it and beat his three toddlers at the only thing they are good at. Unbeknownst to him his wife has discovered the paperwork that alludes to said plans and is concocting a perfume of her own so she can feel emancipated and stop smelling of bleach.


Making People Four

Here are some more characters.


Linda Staunton

Linda Staunton is a super mum, she has become so good at raising kids that she hasn't stopped having them. By the time she had reached menopausal age she had already had ten children. She is now 67 and although her birthing rate has slowed a little (she's only squeezed out six more) doctors are baffled by her seeming triumph over biology. Undertandably she has had a lot of media attention. She has had numerous endorsement offers from SMA, made multiple appearances on shows such as loose women, is friends with Divina McCall and strangest of all has been asked by no less than four African dictators to bare their next child. Despite politely declining all offers, the dictators were not best pleased; various diplomats are trying to sort the situation out and she is currently remaining hidden by the U.N. Her eldest has been running a successful film production company for the past decade now, it's success lying in a seemingly infinite supply of hardworking and more importantly like-minded labour. Interestingly against the odds none of her children have turned out to be homosexual and so various far right Americans who think gayness can be "unlearnt" have joined together to finance a documentary on how to conceive and raise hetrosexual children. This documentary has now become a bit of a farce as it goes into very intimate detail and is more "disgusting" than actual homosexuality to pretty much everyone other than the people who are making it. It's going to be cancelled after just one season on FOX.




Gary and Graham Cranley


Gary and Graham Cranley are a pair of 35 year old bi-polar twins who have been working side by side at the west ham turnstiles since they were sixteen. Their careers advisor came up with the idea by combing their passion (going to football games) with the ideal working environment; a tight enclosed space where they they couldn't punch their colleagues or each other. They still argue incessantly though. What makes it worse is that their mood "poles" are synchronized to be perfectly opposite to each other i.e when one is up the other is down. Their therapists think that this is an adaptation to to ensure they really piss each other off. Both of them are pretty greedy and they frequently orchestrate strikes on behalf of all Upton Park stadium workers. Despite them being the majority of the men striking, in recent years they have caused a lot of kerfuffle for West Ham and are thus on 80 grand a year. Despite being surrounded by them, they still don't know a brick wall when they see one... they still think they should be paid the same as the players. West Ham don't seem to mind as the Chairman and the board of directors are quite sure that through their fanbase, the Cranley brothers generate a lot more money for the club than they take away in their pay packets. For the first time ever Japan's preferred foreign football shirt is not a Manchester United one, It's West Ham. The Inter City Firm however is not best pleased and numbers are dwindling, firstly because of such an influx of foreigners and secondly because there is now a raging debate over who's harder the Cranleys, or the Firm.


Making People Again

This is turning out quite well, soon I will have created a right bunch of odballs! Here are two more.

Sheela Le Ser

Sheela Le Ser has just quit her job as a super model to peruse her dream of being a chartered accountant. As a late bloomer in the looks department it wasn't until she was 22 and finally got her braces taken off that her exceptional looks became apparent. In the space of six months she had dropped out of Bristol where she was doing her degree in accountancy, lost all her friends, developed a drug problem , gone to rehab where she met the necessary contacts to become a super model, become a super model and then jacked it all in after she had in epiphany about the industry as a whole. This epiphany was subsequently made into a show in the "E" entertainment channel as part of the "Wise Narcotic Season". When she was a super model she declared her deciding to overdose and land up in rehab as the best decision she ever made. She now says that moving to accountancy was the best decision she ever made. She says this about a lot of things. Her family are wary of this phrase now and are watching her every move. What with the rise in fees and the fact that accountency is not the most popular of university subjects, Bristol has benefited greatly by the tidal wave of publicity that Sheela has generated. This means that despite having not finished, sheela has been awarded an honorary degree in chartered accountancy. Her colleagues know this and are not amused by Sheela's gags that she can just "do an Enron" and make up for any mistakes by being nice and adding a few zeros to the balance.



Unlucky Allen


Unlucky Allen has lost the majority of his friends because of his freakish tendancy to accidently bring dog poo into other people's houses. What started out as a small embarrassment a few years ago has now become a serious health hazard. Naturally this has now grown to be the subject of scientific investigation. One theory is that subconsciously Allen is in a mode of extended grieving since his Jack Russell died four years ago. His dog was killed by a drunk park keeper mowing the lawn and the theory goes that both to avenge his dog's death and somehow resurrect him, Allen should walk on as much grass and collect as poo as is possible. The other contesting theory is from a branch of Freudianism that believes men's sexual desires are influenced by whether their mothers wiped their bottoms properly. Allen's sister and best mate Steve are his only two remaining friends. His sister has total sympathy for him as she knows full well what a rubbish job their mother did when it came to wiping bottoms. Her friends are starting to think she's a little weird too. Steve is only half convinced of Allen's condition but is loyal nevertheless, plus Allen has caused so much grief in his house that it needs to be re carpeted and de-odorised so Steve has no choice but to stay at Allen's. To make life easier Steve is ensuring that Allen plays as little football as possible in parks that aren't maintained by the corporation of London. Allen is considering moving to the country as there he'll only have to watch out for cowpats and he'd have to be a right dickhead to miss a cowpat.


Making More People

Here are two more characters I dreamt up.



Diane Gratis

Diane Gratis has just left her job as a city Lawyer to solve the Israel/Palestine crisis by setting up a chain of artisan bakeries. Going by what they have done to the then "ghastly, end of Ladbroke Grove" she has utter faith that yummy bread and cakes will gentrify the west bank. Since all they seem to have are bagels and baclava it's no wonder that they're killing each other. In fact the last time she had one of those arabic sticky pastries she got such a sugar high she stayed up all night watching her taped episodes of "The Apprentice" and thus feels slightly nausious whenever the word "sugar" or even the name "Alan" is mentioned. She actually has family in Palestine but she hates them because they don't send her christmas cards. Instead of staying with family she will be residing in the annex of the flat that belongs to her children's Palestinian au-pair. She thought about renting it and then realized that it was in fact her money that paid for her au-pair's extension in the first place and has thus baked a special cake for her au-pair's au-pair (who lives in the annex) with the words "sorry about booting you out". Although Israeli soldiers weren't nearly as polite when they booted out the au-pair's au-pair from her previous home (they certainly didn't bake a cake) Diane's husband has been unsuccessfully trying to persuade Diane against this idea and has offered to put Diane up in a Best Western hotel in Tel Aviv. Diane doesn't know what's wrong with him.




Billy Van-Bridges

Billy Van-Bridges is annoyingly sociable. He works in a call center and has the best job in the world. His colleagues can't stand him, however it is mostly due to their jealousy towards how happy he can be doing a job they hate. He is the only white british person in the call centre and thus feels it his his duty to help his colleagues by teaching them English in their lunch breaks in order to make their over the phone relations more meaningful. Other than that, when his colleagues are down he reads them poetry and plays his ukulele to them, a technique he often uses when dealing with hostile customers or when they need to hold. A channel four Documentary has been made on him entitled "The Call Man Can" and has subsequently been offered multiple reality T.V gigs, and a spot at the Royal Variety Performance but he has turned them all down so he can concentrate on his work. He collects flared trousers. This started when he realized that he made better cups of tea and coffee when he had Disco music playing on his walkman and thus felt that if he had the trousers to go with it, his brews would reach a new level. This idea was strengthened when he once made some coffee for a lactose intolerant friend of his. He unwittingly forgot to use Soya milk as requested and his friend was magically unharmed. Billy is engaged to an old lady who lives in Surrey whom he met over the phone. She was calling to complain about being overcharged for Broadband but within two minutes Billy had solved her problems and cheered her up and they had both realized that they had a lot in common; a love of bakewell tarts, Englebert Humpadink and scratchcards. Although he does know her real name he prefers to continue calling her "Madam". Billy and Madam have never met in person.

Making People

Right now I'm in the middle of a dry spell as far as filming goes. I've got a small window with which I can fill. Sadly it doesn't look like I'll be able to shoot anything, none of the actors that I like to use are around and my regular crew are tied up with bits and bobs. However I can still do one thing I really enjoy; writing scripts. I've learnt a hell of a lot from shooting my short film. One of those things is that writing, or more specifically the creating of intriguing characters is what comes naturally to me and therefore I should make it my speciality. When sketching out ideas for my short, the character outlines were where I really felt the most creative. For my next film I think I'll start with a character outline and then go from there. To get good at this I've decided to start doing regular character outlines and just let my creative juices flow. Here are two I did the other day, I'm going to do a lot more...


Jodie Sylbert

Jodie Sylbert has a rare mental dissorder where she believes every day is christmas. Although doctors say that such a disorder is usually innate it was kick started when she was twenty five on New year's day 2007 when she took too much acid and then saw a repeat of the queen's speech on her sky plus box. Thinking it's always christmas isn't too bad as her sizable disability benefit happily covers the cost of a daily "Wal Mart insta Christmas ready feast" (imported). Sadly she is alarmingly obese because she keeps telling herself that she'll "work it off in the New Year". Jodie's now ex boyfriend feels it's his duty to carry out doctor's orders and to provide her with new socks. This is a vast improvement on recent years when Jodie used to watch the O.C and thought it would be fun and slightly ironic to celebrate Christmas and Hanukah on the same day and thus requested variations on all things Luis Vitton. Her loved ones have finally gotten round to looping a montage of extracts of depressing christmas T.V such as Eastenders and Grumpy Old men to keep her desires at bay. When actual christmas comes around she thinks that it's "all a bit much" as her family do like garish trees and a glow in the dark rasta santa in the sitting room and so she then has a small rant about capitalism and the true meaning of christmas. Other than state benefits a small amount of her income is generated through donations to a christian offshoot cult in her name. Started by ex pastor turned poker player from Florida, within a few years of her developing her disorder after a "touching" channel five documentary "Jodie's Witnesses" has over 100,000 members all united in the belief that every day Jodie is witnessing the birth of christ.




Franklin F.Fig


Franklin F. Fig is going to be appearing on Dragon's Den next week pitching his "Cool Camp" idea; a month long program teaching the techniques and theories behind being cool and not encouraging gay men to be more confident which is what a local youth club of the same name does classes on, every week. Franklin has twenty or so commonly used catchphrases or "power pellets" that can be used in various social situations however one of the first principles of cool camp is that the "cat (i.e the pupil) does his own pellets". Franklin started doing cool camp after he was required to end his P.E teaching career after he put nitrous oxide in the quadbikes on a school "adventure" trip to Cornwall. That was only the catalyst really as he wasn't really right for the job: in the blink of an eye his moderate A.D.H.D would cause him to incorporate unsuspecting members of the public, animals e.t.c into P.E lessons. His guardian angel has been his responsible older brother who runs a delicatessen in Marylebone high street and aside from the incessant quips about salami and penises (his brothers is Gay) their relationship is peaceful; he is in fact the only man that Franklin can be in the same room as for more than half an hour, hence why Franklin has only been to the cinema once... Franklin is barred from all brances of VUE. Franklin's girlfriend is a dancer at a local polish nightclub. Their relationship is eventful to say the least. What keeps them together his their shared love of looking at/for other people's driving licences/passports. Other than being in a constant state of "cool cultivation", Franklin is training himself not to need to poo. He is paranoid that somebody will catch him when he's at his most vulnerable plus the third principle of cool camp is "never be caught with your trousers down". Now he is a workaholic and pays three people to manage his blogs and to make things easier he has had made a leather belt- affixing holster for his ipad, similar to the ones they make for mobile phones. He's so pleased with it in fact that he is offering one free to every new member of cool camp in 2012. Is dream is to one day open a cool camp theme park where there'll be a ride called "Johnny Depp's Cool Jump Log Flume".